Yesterday I was having some huge resistance to the flow of putting ducks in a row for a work opportunity.
It was a big opportunity—an opportunity part of me subconsciously identified as being “a big break.”
It involved big kid brands that were reputable and would have the potential of launching me into a different sphere of my work.
I was trying to arrange visas, contact lawyers and figure out how to get my ass over an invisible line that causes so much fuss between two pieces of land.
I was hitting a wall–partially from doing new things that were alien to me, and partially energetically.
Something was up.
I busted my ass for 48 hours trying to prepare and make it happen.
I had the “yes”—I just had to get there.
It turns out getting visas in tight timelines is not as easy as I thought.
The idealist in me had my hope squished at the end of the second day.
A friend of mine, Alexa Linton, offered an energy session to try clear up whatever was causing so much resistance.
I knew that there was some “I’m unworthy” thoughts kicking around, which could have caused the blockage in flow.
Sure enough, she felt that a part of me was feeling worthy and part of me was resisting the opportunity. That part of me wasn’t prepared to receive and be in the belly of success, so I was capping it to stay small…to stay comfortable.
Often after sessions, more will sink in for me. I will continue to process and feel it all out.
Last night, I wrote this down: “I allow myself to receive__________.”
I made a list of affirmations and went to sleep and woke up with acceptance and permission for whatever news would come.
I stopped trying to control it so hard.
I woke up today and let go of my fixation on this “big break.”
I realized I had felt that being seen by this huge company meant that I was special, and that not getting the gig because of a last minute visa problem meant that I was less worthy, special and valuable.
I talked this through with my mom on the kitchen floor today.
I realized I was gripping onto it too hard.
There will be other opportunities.
There will be other big awesome people and brands who will want to collaborate in the future.
I trust the process.
I trust that I am walking in my power and doing my life’s work.
I allow myself to receive success, and I allow myself to receive failure.
I forgive myself for not knowing everything, and I applaud my ability to move quickly to make things happen.
Today, I am going to celebrate being seen by this company I admire–I still made their list of poets.
I acknowledge that I am not defined by a project.
My worthiness is not attached to my success or my ability to be seen.
I am the big break.